Tooth Fairy

Nobody has time for this!! All you parents know that by the time the kids are asleep you are playing rock paper scissors or some other game with much higher stakes to see who has to go slip money under the pillow and retrieve the tooth.  In our house, the tooth fairy is someone who sometimes forgets altogether.

When Halle lost her first tooth, we were so excited. What a special moment! The tooth fairy left 5 bucks, and tooth went into the safe (congratulations, robbers).  Next tooth, a fiver and the tooth goes in an envelope in the top of the closet. Third tooth?  Forgot!  Hid three bucks under the bed and told her she must have knocked it under there.  Fourth tooth?  Seriously, I am over it.  I went to bed, and Chad slipped a buck under the pillow.  The next morning I am left to explain why the tooth fairy has become  such a cheap bastard.  I went with "the harder it is to get the tooth out, the more money you get." 

Halle is no dummy, and one of her friends has already told her the tooth fairy isn't real. She asked me if this was the truth, and I choked.  I wasn't expecting the question, and quite frankly, I couldn't care much less if my kid believes in fairies or not.  My response was a cool " What do you think?"  as I casually ate my roast beef dinner.  She then says, "If tinker bell is fake then so is the tooth fairy."  I retorted with the old "If don't believe, you don't receive!" I am quite sure Halle didn’t give a big fat rip since she probably figured the next thing left under her pillow was likely going to be an I.O.U....

Teeth keep falling, and we keep waffling.  Whatever is in the wallet winds up under the pillow.  Poor Tess, she hasn't lost one yet. We may tell her that teeth just end up in the garbage disposal and then go buy a Gatorade - one with a squeezy top for sore mouths that have just lost teeth.  Besides, aren't the horrible thoughts of a life-sized rabbit hiding plastic eggs in your backyard and an elderly fat man coming down your chimney enough for a child to digest anyway?

The Duke and The Doctor

This is one of my guilty listening pleasures.  (The guiltiest one I have is
John Tesh.  His helpful hints are ahhhhmazing!!)  

I used to hate the Duke and the Doctor, but now that my little one is in
school every day until noon, it has really grown on me. I actually pulled
into a health & wellness store during regular programming to see if they
carried "Vitalogic" products. The Duke and the Doctor say any reputable
health food store does, but this particular one did not. 

I often find myself listening to a caller and immediately identifying with
his/her symptoms. "Yes, that's it! That is what I have!"  It goes off like
an alarm clock in my body.  Of course, the Duke and the Doctor remain calm
and tell them to knock off the meds and take Vitalogic XYZ.... This vitamin
regimen must be the shiznit because they recommend it for everything from
dementia to cancer. Apparently I have both, plus arthritis, the plague, and
PTSD from war.  

So, this Christmas I am asking for the entire Vitalogic regimen.  As I
listen to the program, I think "maybe I will become a picture of health;
maybe I will run a marathon!!!" But these thoughts of health are quickly
fleeting when the next radio program comes on...Ag Talk...and all I want is
a 100% beef hamburger.

Nemeses

We all have them. Not the human kind, but the kind that put a small dent in
your day.  Here are some of mine....

Cantaloupes - I buy these every time I go to the grocery store.  I buy the
whole ones due to the fact that one already cut up costs a billion dollars.
The problem is, I don't ever cut them up.  On the off chance that Chad gets
a wild hair and cuts one up, my kids enjoy a healthy dose of vitamin C.  I
am afraid of slicing food with large knives ever since I cut my thumb with a
bagel slicer.  My intentions are good, however most weekends I throw out a
squishy, untouched cantaloupe.

Ants- How do they survive like this?  I can hunt down the queen hill,
destroy it, and they have 10 new hills the next day.  Tenacious boogers.
Hate 'em.  This goes for flies and mosquitoes too, but I have been unable to
pinpoint their "nests" or whatever they have.

Acorns- Where do these suddenly come from?  Not only are they hell on my
feet when I'm trying to take a stroll through my otherwise soft grass, but
they will grow tiny little oaks all over my yard in the spring.  Also, they
make my dogs fat.  To combat my acorn infestation, I have taken to vacuuming
my yard with a shop vac.  This is soooo gratifying.  Listening to the acorns
get sucked up the tube and dumping out gallons of them in the trash is like
therapy. I have successfully dumped 5 full shop vacs full so far...

Single socks- Seriously.  Where does the other one go?  It makes no sense.
Only after a significant grace period do I throw the single away.
Sometimes the match shows up the next day stuck inside a pillowcase.

Horror movie trailers- Stop it! You are scaring my kids.  And me.  I don't
care to see a possessed child crawling across the ceiling during the
commercial break of Glee.

Leg hair- I shave twice a day sometimes.  My friends call it obsessive, I
call it not getting stuck to my sheets at night.  This is a Henley thing.
We have lots of body hair.  Thank goodness I am blonde(ish).  If I were
dark-haired I could make money at the fair sideshow. 

I am sure I have many more but at the risk of sounding like a lunatic I will
stop here.

Beanie Babies

Way back in 1992, I began a collection of Beanie Babies. I am guessing this habit lasted way longer that it should have because I currently own roughly 150 beanie babies. I even remember the horrified look on Chad's face one Christmas when my mother surprised me with several decorated on the tree. This was probably in college and should have been his cue to run. 

Now, to be fair, these things were supposed to be worth a million dollars by now. Ty had really cornered the stuffed animal market and threatened to retire each Beanie yearly. I looked them up on eBay a few years back only to be crestfallen that my plethora of beanies was worth about 50 bucks. I even had good ones like the Princess Diana bear. This saddened me. I hadn't gotten into the market quick enough to own "Tabasco" the bull before the real Tabasco copyright sued Ty and they had to rename him Snort. That one was worth some clams.  Nevertheless, I was banking on these things funding a large portion of my retirement.

Anyway, I did what any good mother who just realized her Beanies were not going to pay for a lake house would do - I gave them to my kids. I watched in horror as they gleefully pulled the plastic protected tag off each and every one of them. They play vet, zoo, school, and who knows what else with these things. I am glad they enjoy them, but I am going to be one sad mofo if the Beanie Baby market ever rebounds...